On Obama not using a bible to swear in...

He gives more rights to rats left in a box out on a street than botched abortion babies.

On picking a wife...

It’s like grocery shopping. Ya gotta pick the plumpest, juiciest tomato. But you only get to go shopping once.

On implants

I've got to go to the doctor. Em! My implant is starting to itch.

About the Dentist...

(um)I'm getting my teeth worked on tomorrow. (um)I figure if I eat a tuna sandwich and chug down a Heifeweisen he'll think, "Whew, I gotta finish up with this guy quick and get him out of my chair." (um)

Al Gore and Cow Farts

I don't trust Al Gore cause I'm sure he's a politian.

They didn't tell you that the volcano in Italy just blew 10 trillion "cow farts" into the atmosphere.

Mothers Day...

What did you get your wife for Mother's Day?
Hamrant: Emm. Nothing. I took her and my son to see Iron Man.

Did you make her breakfast?
Hamrant: No.

Did you take her out for a nice diner?
Hamrant: Emm. No but we went out for a cheap lunch after the movie.

Did you get her a present or a card?
Hamrant: No. I don't do those things. If I had to celebrate every holiday there was, there wouldn't be any other days in the year left.

On burials...

You better be careful of where you get burried. I heard from a friend of mine that this certain cemetary was digging up the bodies and then reselling the plots. Sometimes the water in the caskets would slosh around when they pulled them up splashing him in his mouth. You know what that's called, don't you? Sweet water.