On Courage (i.e. showing video footage of UFO's)... [FROM AN E-MAIL]

Wait a minute there are hundreds of videos already, but you never see them on the main stream news, because they are afraid of showing courage on the subject, and not only that [a co-worker] sent me the study that shows that Dems and Reps show no difference in what they believe about UFO’s. It’s like the elephant in the house that nobody can see or wants to admit is in the living room. Weird..!

On what to do with a dead pig...

Yeah, If you put a dead pig in your car and duct tape all the doors and leave it for a month. There is no way you can get rid of the smell. No matter how much you scrub. Nothing smells as bad as rotting carcass. It makes me want to chuck.

On 50-cent...

50-cent is the devil. With all his guns and his crack he is no Bill Cosby. He talks about shooting people. It is only OK to shoot raccoons- they are rats… and pit bulls… my neighbor has pit bulls, someone needs to do something.

On Landscaping...

My goal is to line my fence with raccoon skulls.

On Aliens...

They leave you with that feeling that they like know about you. Like they wanted you to see.

On his guitar playing... [A HAMRANT CLASSIC]

Yeah, I know people around me look at me like I'm possessed or something when I play, I can tell the ladies are getting off on it, in fact 6 of 'em came out yesterday morning to check me out... good looking ones that is.

A response to someone saying his guitar playing sucked

Yeah, well... at least my guitar playing is the only thing that sucks.

On Mormons...

Mormons believe in magic underwear. Yeah, god gave Adam and Eve magic underwear… Yeah, He’ll have to feed me a high protein diet, to get me ready for the brainwashing.

A response to someone doing a math problem

show-off

A response to a non-UFO believer debunking UFO's

What are you going to do when you get abducted?

On what to do on Christmas...

You need to get a blowtorch and burn all the trees in Pioneer Square [in Seattle] to get rid of the homeless. It's easier on Christmas.

On eating at work...

After eating all those pop tarts I look like Bart Simpson

A Joke

These guys were complaining about some guys climbing on top of the church to sunbathe. They were going to call the cops on them. [Refering to the sunbathers] They are going to burn for that... It's a pun. Sometimes words have two meanings. You have to be quick to get it.

On Nature... [FROM THE VAULT]

When a raccoon comes into your yard to look for food, shoot it in the face.

On Pitbulls... [PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED]

Pitbulls are vicious because they’re bred so that their brains grow to big for their skulls and they get brain damage which is why they turn on their owners.

On Iron Maiden...

They're just like Thin Lizzy... ya know?

On the periodic table of elements...

It's all about Hydrogen.

On Physics...

If you put a container over the Eifle Tower, and you pumped it with ... ummm... compressed air... the container would weigh more than the tower.

On Being Shot in the Face by the Vice President...

"Uuhhhh... you know what they say about quail hunting don't ya? Uhhh..."

....quiet....

"They say I'd rather be hunting with Cheney than driving over a bridge with...ummm...Kennedy...Ted... Kennedy.... Uhhhh"

On Netflix...

Ya, the only problem with that is Procter & Gamble tracks every movie you ever watched in your life.

On the Seahawks...

They should put them on a luxury liner... and head them down to the South. And turn the statium into a ...ummm...a... one of them bigfoot derbies.

On Ninjas...

Yea, you don't want to mess with them- they are tornados of fists and elbows.

On Soy...

Soybeans are good to eat. They don't give you the gout.

On Blasphemy

How come the media aren't talking about Vincent van Gogh and other people who had their heads cut off just for saying bad things about Islam?