On the French...

The French are just affraid to offend Islam because they wouldn't be able to drink their 2 hours of wine every day.

On Rotting Teeth...

Used to be only rich people that had bad teeth. Now everyone has bad teeth from eating all the chocolate we get now.

On the Coast Guard...

(Pointing at a coast guard helicopter.) That one doesn't have guns on it. Umm. Must be a rescue helicopter.

On getting stuck...

Know what I use to get out of the driveway when I'm stuck? Ground Blooms They work like a charm.

On leather...

See my jacket? It's like being an animal.

On Jonah...

Did you know that the story of Jonah and the whale was probably about him being abducted by aliens? They didn't have the words back then for aliens, so thats probably what it was. I bet it was an alien flying-saucer submarine.

On the wife and storms...

I don't know what's wrong with my wife. I've told her lots of times that when a storm like this hits, you have to come home immediately. But no. Yack, yack, yack!(Hands flailing) She doesn't listen to me! She had to go see her friend. And then she stayed there until late at night and came home with just a flash light in her car.

Pets can help protect your loved ones

On the year 2040...

Refering to this article:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/6171053.stm

"Yea, and “they” also said that 2006 was going to be the worst hurricane season in history… They feed off of fear mongering, so don’t fret."

On the wind...

You know why the wind is so bad, don't you?
It's because theres a conspiracy when it's time for your commute.



It's the architect of the Matrix. He doesn't want you to go home.

On childrens presents...

Kids today get alot more presents than I did. I bought my son a shotgun. (big smile)

On the wife's Christmas present...

I bought my wife her present today. It's one of those electric brooms.

On Hitler...

Hitler was a bad guy, but you have to admit he was an artist.

On terrorism...

"After hearing a reference to the boston tea party and terrorism."

They weren't terrorist because they were Americans. And besides it was alot of people, so they couldn't have been terrorists. They were revolutionists.

On book burning...

You know the Germans burned books during the war. They hate literature.

On Christmas Trees...

Did you hear about them removing the Christmas Trees from airport? That's like Walmart. The kids inherited all the money, and they get rid of Chirstmas so they can sell stuff. So they can just go and buy their turd in a can for $300,000 dollars.