On burials...

You better be careful of where you get burried. I heard from a friend of mine that this certain cemetary was digging up the bodies and then reselling the plots. Sometimes the water in the caskets would slosh around when they pulled them up splashing him in his mouth. You know what that's called, don't you? Sweet water.

On dieting...

In front of a party of women( including his boss) who are discussing diets.

Hamrant: Umm. The only thing you need to do to loose weight is to get naked and look into the mirror. That will do it.

Toilet Humour

After reading this article.

Hamrant: "She is lucky that giant rats didn’t crawl up the sewer pipes. "
Hamrant: "She must be mentally ill."
Someone Else says: "Maybe she just had a sick tummy."
Hamrant: "At least she didn’t have butt blasters (a Dream Catcher reference).

Note: Actually "butt blasters" is not from Dream Catcher, so we don't know where he got that from.

The Lodge Incident

So I was at the lodge this weekend. And I was drinking my beer.
-makes a sipping motion with hand-
And I had my back to the firepit.
-Turns around to show his butt-
And I looked across the room and I see this girl over there. And I thought she was pretty good lookin, and I didn’t want her to think I didn’t notice her. So I looked over at her. Then she glares back at me and says, “Why are you looking at me?”
-holds up arms in whoa now position-
And I thought of a quick comeback and said, “I was looking at that other girl over there. She’s much prettier than you.”
-Has a big grin-
And she says, “Well F@@k you!”

Good lookin FBI agents

I saw this girl on the elevator today. She was talking about getting back from Hawaii or something.
-Emm-
Anyway, she was looking really tan and good lookin. And she's an FBI undercover agent or something.
-Emm-
-big grin on his face-
And she just looks like what you'd see on a movie with a hot FBI agent.

Washington State's Safety Record

-Yelling at wife on phone-
This is Washington State and they're letting baby killers out! You have to recognize their faces! The government isn't going to protect you.
-Slam the phone down-
-To no one in particular-
Emm!
-Holds hands like looking through goggles-
You know that guy in Idaho with the night vision goggles. He watched that family. Then he went in and bashed all their heads with hammers.
-Bashing motion-
Then he killed them and took the kids out into the woods. Then there was that guy that was in jail for something and he told everyone that he had a fantasy of doing something. And when he got out he chopped off that little boys pee pee.
-Makes chopping motion-
-Grunt-
He said he was going to do it. It was a "slow bullet". Then years later, that kid grew up and was racing cars. And wrapped his car around a tree and died.
You know what a slow bullet is?
A slow bullet is when you shoot and miss them and hit a tree. That's a slow bullet.
-Grunt-
Then when people come along to blow up the tree with dynamite, the bullet comes flying out and hits them.